I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Let's get the cat blown out
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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