I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
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my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
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She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
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