i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
