If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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