4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
