cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
