You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
