probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
