so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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