Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....