i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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