Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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