I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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