Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
