How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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