I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
