just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
