I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
