I haven't been this sober since birth.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
