My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
