Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
