Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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