You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
