my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Your penis caused this!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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