Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
