I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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