I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
