walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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