How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
