I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
