i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
