apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
