I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
