he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So much rum. So many feels.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
