I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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