Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
