It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
