At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
barbara walters just said penis...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
