oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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