went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
