I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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