I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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