Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Farmville is her only friend.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
