dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
