Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
