I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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