Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
