i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
The uberlube is also flammable
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
