New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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