put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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