We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
