I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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