after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
