I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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