Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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