wakey wakey hands off snakey
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
