Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
