U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
