don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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