Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
