Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
