I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
